Demons within

Something called, need, something called, want, some people consider it greedy selfish misunderstood I call it a burning love the passion something that very few people understand but what I've been dealing with for the past couple days is like a dragon trying to get out of a cave i've been trapped there for years feels like centuries really not been that long but it feels like it's been forever it's in every tree branch it's in every breath that I take it's in every tear that falls from my eyes it's in every word that I speak and I call it love not for just life and the people around me but something that I'm yearning I'm desiring and I'm un patient for

At times it's so intense I would rather just die but I keep pushing because in some sadistic way I enjoy the feeling because it makes me feel alive to know that I'm not dead I'm still breathing is to know that you're loved because without love you are not living without love you don't know the absolute meaning of loss and missing something or someone

I hear the words ringing in my head like an echo from years past even knowing they were just sad not even a few days ago

I feel the warmth of the skin I care for so much it hurts to think that I'm so far away but it doesn't seem that far it feels as if I can step right on over and be with that one I care for and yet now I realize I am more than 16 hours 1500 miles

It's not a leap that I would wish it to be in my head

To look at my Wallet and think it's not enough it hurts to think I can't make it where I wanted to be but then have to plan and do things that only adults understand that when we grow up from young children two adults we come to understand that this thing that we call love not only breaks it down emotionally but physically and sometimes can destroy us in multiple ways than just one

So I save this would you travel across oceans and countries to see the person that you love because I know for a fact I would if the money was put in front of me I would do it I have always said money means nothing to me but I know the worlds around itself around what we call money but to me love is more than just money I don't love money I don't love the thing that gets me I love where it can get me to because of that someone I love more than life and money that is the only thing I am grateful for when it comes to the thing called money is the person he can take me to the family that I care for the friends that I love that's my only reason for caring about money

But this feeling it's in my gut it's in my heart it's in my mind it's in my tears it in my skin it's in my every fiber of my every being it's eating me alive like a demand I go to bed and in my sleep I'm fine I'm happy I'm where I want to be I wake up and realize it's the same Room that I was in when I went to sleep with his demon crawling in my every fiber of my being and I am just wanting to escape it to be with the place that I call home the heart that I call home those blue eyes I call home comfort love and happiness away from this team and that instead of helping me become a longer person chooses to make me overthink judge actions before I understand him misunderstand text messages and calls and judge people without thinking jump to conclusions without listening

What do I do I choose to be quiet hold everything to myself and when I'm alone I fall to my knees and cry because it's the only thing that relieves the pain

Instead of posting in my sadness in my upset worries on Facebook and social media I would rather sit in silence and allow every person around me those that care and love for me to pretend and think that I am perfect when in fact I am not I am going to very hard times right now and with this post I say this is myself Setting myself free to say I am like everyone else I have a heart I have a mind my blood is the color of a red rose and I bleed like everyone else but my heart feels like a glass house that has had rocks thrown at it it is cracking very slowly and I'm terrified for the day that it does fully crumble

Because that will be the day I understand what true loss is 🖤💔