Thinking

After several hours of thought

And dealing with the idea of moving out of my house and going into a whole different world that I have already experienced before but now will be experiencing again

There is no warning or no way easy by any means to tell anybody that adulthood is easy at all

The hardest part about being an adult is dealing with your emotions and controlling them especially when it becomes more difficult anything to find somebody that you can confide in

When it comes down to relationships and friendships and parents the hardest one to ever confided with anybody else is your love life relationships with your friends it's hard to find somebody that can understand exactly how you feel and can be absolutely sympathetic

However here recently in my life I've come to an understanding

That keeping things to yourself is not always the best way but to talk about your problems is a lot easier to the hardest part is figuring out who to talk to

Here recently I have found myself communicating more with my mother than anything

The other day my mom asked me is being famous confining

Of course my reaction was to laugh and say well one I'm not famous however some may consider me that way and that is OK but I do not consider myself famous by any means

But I will say that famous is confining because once you reach such a rate of how many people that know your face it's pretty easy to say that if you are noticed out in public then other people will notice you as well and then begin to wonder who you are and then once they find out who you are they of course will be wanting a picture are to ask you to follow them back on social media which is not a problem at all

The worst part about being famous and how confining it is is realizing that any person that would want to relationship with you is either only wanting to be with you for your image and to benefit off of who you are to make money off of you

Which is why I say this

In my past relationship I found myself in a situation realizing that out of every other relationship that I've ever had this pacific person meant more to me than anybody else that I have ever known

Is it bad to say that this person means more to me than any of my friends and means just as much to me as my mother does

Some may say yes some may say no and that it's one personal person's opinion

But to me it's hard to explain I love this person very deeply and it hurts to know that he's 15 hours away from me

I would give and do anything that I could to be with him however that is just not possible right now it breaks my heart to know that I am so busy and our lives are chaotic that we can barely even have time to communicate with each other even knowing that the short conversations that we do you have is based around the fact that we love each other so much that we would hope to be together one day

The sad reality of the fact is is that we've known each other since 2012 and have been in and out of relationships with other people and have always wanted to be with each other because we have always loved each other

But were never willing to confess it to one or the other with the fear of being turned down

However that fear is no longer an option anymore because we both know how we feel about each other the only part that sucks about it the most is that we are literally so far apart from each other that it is unbearable to think about

More than anything in conversations that I have with my family my friends and the person that I love very much is that it comes up more than often in conversation that I feel absolutely horrible with myself knowing that those that follow me on YouTube and on social media see me as a loving and happy person that is very honest and down-to-earth which I am

But most Internet celebrity people will not ever admit this but I am not afraid to when that camera goes off I am very depressed I try my best to keep everything positive as much as possible but it's really hard to I'm a very caring person and I would willingly give up anything if it met the person that I cared about was happier than I was I am so humble that I would willingly give my life worked to anybody if it only met that it would make their life happier and for filled

Which I know that my family and my partner and my friends want the best success for me I am just taking every day is a blessing and taking every second that has been given to me as a blessing

With also trying not to put myself on a high pedestal to fall down very fast

The other day my mom had looked at me and said when your family is dead and gone where will you be in what will be your legacy

My honest reaction is I don't know

Because it is a peer reality check to realize that those that you love and care you have raised you and have been a role model for you and your life will no longer be there but in memory and in your heart

And so with that being said I only wish to be my mother's legacy as her proud daughter